You can’t stay up in the sky forever. Is that what you thought? Or were you so high you forgot to consider the inevitable come down?
That’s what happens when you date an emotionally unavailable partner. It’s not a “normal” heartbreak, leaving a conventional mess, because it was never healthy. And I get it, he was unavailable, it’s him, not you….well, not exactly.
You’re also emotionally unavailable– it just doesn’t seem that way because your unavailability plays out differently. Emotional suppression and avoidance are not the only indicating traits. If you continue to date partners who fall within that category, it’s because your unavailability is approached and exhibited contrary to theirs.
This polar opposition forms a dysfunctional sense of balance, which is why you’re attracted to avoidant men and they’re attracted to you.
If you’re falling in the same trap a hundred times, there’s a lesson you’re not learning. Whether you believe it or not, you were presented a mirror, and each time it was deflected. How do I know this? Because nothing is different. It’s the same partner, different face.
Ignoring the role you played is easy. when you’re doing the heavy lifting to make the relationship work, therefore, you’r the available partner and he’s not. It’s not that simple.
Available people don’t date unavailable people, and if they do, when their partner begins behaving like someone they don’t know- it’s a door slam in the face and goodbye.Why would they stay to watch the rest play out? That sneak peak was informative enough. This isn’t the Jerry Springer show, and besides, there’s more favorable forms of entertainment than that shit.
You staying to fix or change someone else= unavailability.
Why? You believe you can. You’re blind to the facts. You’re emotionally invested and emotions distort the truth.
The facts/ the truth = the real story.
An available person would see the story for what it is, regardless of their emotions. A person who’s experienced healthy, loving relationships has an overall positive self-image, knowing damn well what isn’t tolerable.
An unavailable person will fabricate and re-write the story until it’s favorable. “I can change him. I just need to work harder.” Meanwhile, you moving closer, pushes him further. *Kills all feelings* If he’s not comfortable with emotions, why would he be with yours? Because that became your story.
“He loves me. He said he never felt this way about someone before so I must mean something special. I just need to prove it.”
Unfortunately, in a budding romance, avoidant men make all women feel that way. I’m not saying it was a lie, but during the initial stage, it’s likely he always feels that way. It’s new, exciting, and lacks expectation, which for him = perfection.
No real commitment = no need to suppress emotions
When called out for behaving inconsistently, he then begins to withdraw and suppress.
A negative emotion = disconnection.
Avoidant men leave and return- a predictable pattern, which speaks for itself, but that truth is distorted because you re-wrote the story, remember? I know, “He said he regrets it and that he misses you.” And you believe those words, regardless if he meant it, because that consists with the story you’re telling.
If you stay with a partner who’s minimally committed, inconsiderate, and behaves selfishly, you’re not as available as you think. When he retreats away from you, it prevents a deeper relationship from forming. If you’ve been ignoring the men who can give you that, is it a coincidence or a deeper issue?
Are you chasing after an unavailable partner because you’re used to the emotional highs and lows? When it’s good, you feel good, and when it’s bad, you feel really bad, and now, you don’t just want that high, you need it to feel normal. More often than that, we accept the love we think we deserve.
If you’re familiar with unpredictable and inconsistent love, then that becomes your normal, hence why that “mirror,” is difficult to see. Chasing a person or thing that’s not good for you, is really just a way of escaping yourself.
Why are you escaping your own reflection?
Look. What do you see?
-Jessica Bruno LMHC