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healing Letting go Mental Health Mindfulness psychology Toxic Relationships

Seeking Meaning As A Tortured Soul

Don’t let the term, “tortured soul” fool you with it’s negative connotation.

A tortured soul is someone persistently seeking meaning. The saying, “everything happens for a reason,” just isn’t good enough. What is that reason? Who is dictating such things? Is there even a spiritual or religious force behind it or are things just the way they are for no good reason?

I have sat with my thoughts countless amount of nights contemplating every possible explanation for the misfortunes I encountered to the degree of mental exhaustion. Sounds pretty unhealthy, right? And it is.

There’s no denying that beating a dead horse will get you absolutely nowhere except stain your white tee with splattered blood and guts.  Why is acknowledging this truth never enough to halt the obsessive rumination? 

Tortured souls have the tendency to dwell on misfortunes and wallow in negative emotions with intent to achieve a heightened state of awareness. We perceive this awareness may result in growth and self-development, so the outcome becomes satisfying. Only then, do we believe we gained something positive, hence concluding it meant something, and we’re better for it.

Not only do tortured souls seek to uncover hidden meaning, but we also yearn to contribute to the good of society. We tend to express the self creatively. Successful creative expression often stems from painful experiences. Dwelling on these emotions becomes an outlet of self-expression. Suffering sucks, and it is not only inevitable, but can be the source of creating a beautiful masterpiece.

The reason I use the word tortured, is because a search for meaning can engulf and swallow you whole, leading way to a destructive path. Wallowing in self-pity occurs when you’re unable to find peace in a situation. Since creative expression is common during these moments, one may become too comfortable in isolation.

After a while, it becomes a normalized state, and the ability to creatively channel pain is lost to saturation. So, how do you greet it with peace and close the door? If you feel stuck, it’s time to take action. Sometimes, the insight we seek is driven by our own insecurity or inability to let go. Instead of clinging, empathize with yourself. It’s okay to feel what you feel. No explanation needed. You could beat yourself up for it or you can accept it.

We perpetuate negative feelings by choosing to focus on it. When we form a habit to empathize with ourselves and fully comprehend that our current state does not have to be our permanent state, the situation becomes less frightening.

Don’t give your pain a home. It’s a visitor and it’s not meant to stay.

-Jessica Bruno LMHC

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healing Letting go Mindfulness Psychology Relationships Toxic Relationships Uncategorized

Your Love Won’t Save Him

Letting go of someone you love deeply is a very hard fucking thing to do. Grieving over someone who’s alive feels strange. He’s not dead, but it’s easier to behave as if he is, because thats the best route to take when moving forward.

It’s even harder to let go when the decision to do so feels forced due to circumstance. I loved someone in a way I never thought was possible and not only was he emotionally unavailable, but dabbled with cocaine a little too frequently. (that’s a nice understatement )

For over a year I tried to help, which of course, pushed him away. He showed interest in changing but actions remained the same and yet I persisted.

In retrospect, attempting to change someone who’s not willing is selfish. Of course, I cared and wanted to see him be his best self, but more importantly, I was so blinded by love, I never considered that I was sick of feeling heartbroken.

If he improved then maybe I’d stop hurting or he’d be “normal,” and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Sadly, I ended the relationship. We didn’t date very long but that didn’t stop me from seeing him in hope he’d eventually realize what he lost, deciding it’s time to change.

It never happened and I can’t say I believed it ever would. Despite having a constant taste of reality in my mouth, I didn’t give up, and he broke my heart several times- each time progressively worse.

Letting go of someone who’s incapable of authentic love really sucks when you’re committed to fight for it, but in reality- it’s not going to happen. I’m not saying it never will, but the decision isn’t yours to make.

You’re not giving up on love because you’re tired of setting yourself on fire and burning for someone while he looks the other way.

I’m still in the midst of healing and I won’t lie and say it’s been easy or devoid of relapses, but I’d like to share a few tips that really help the process.

1. Acceptance & Honesty:

Holding on to someone who makes you feel lost, anxious, and upset is wasted energy. You’re doing yourself a disservice when you could be directing that energy inward to eventually crawl out of the darkness. The first step must be acceptance. It is what it is. You cannot change someone who doesn’t want to be changed. It’s not fair to you or him. Accept him for who he currently is. How does he fit into your life? Chances are he doesn’t. Be honest about the situation. Acknowledge the damage it ensues within your life and take action. Letting go is an act of self love and respect.

2. Commitment:

Its not enough to merely accept the situation and decide to let go. You must commit to that acceptance. From here on out, you dedicate yourself to the journey, making healthy actions that guide you forward rather than keep you stuck.

3. Ride the waves:

You also must understand there will be moments of emotional turbulence. We often backtrack any progress made when reacting to heightened emotions, instead of riding that wave. It comes and goes. You won’t feel that way forever. Once you successfully ride a few waves, they lose their momentum- occurring less frequently and won’t pull you all the way under.

Remain compassionate and self comfort during dark moments. You’re the only one who can truly make YOU feel better. It won’t be him.

You have all the tools necessary to let go and move forward, you just have to use them.

-Jessica Bruno LMHC

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healing love Narcissism Narcissistic Abuse Relationships Toxic Love Toxic Relationships

The Dizzying Cycle of Narcissism

A narcissist is a complex, manipulative individual, so naturally being in a relationship with one is mentally exhausting.

It feels as though you’ve been running in circles, accomplishing nothing, except an occasional bathroom trip to vomit from incessant, dizzying bullshit. It could be sunny outside, but a cloud of confusion rests above your head, and depending what phase you’re at in his dizzying cycle, it may be a thunderstorm.

A narcissist uses a three phase tactic, referred to as “the dizzying cycle,” to keep their partner engaged. Using the term “partner,” in such a context feels morally irresponsible, so instead I’ll use the word “target.”

Throughout the relationship, a narcissists target will experience three phases: idealization, devaluation, and discard.

The lovely idealization phase occurs at the beginning of the relationship. A narcissist identifies a new target they’re keen on procuring. When they look at you they see profit, and of course, they want it.

To be trappable, a narcissist understands he must put his best face forward, making sure interactions are flawless. To do this, he wears a mask, careful it doesn’t slip and reveal his true colors.

In the idealization phase, he love bombs the shit out of you, saying what he thinks you want to hear, throwing compliments, giving gifts, and showering you with attention, intent on making you feel special. Before revealing his true identity, it’s imperative you fall for him, otherwise, he has no legs to stand on.

When successful, he initiates the devaluation phase. Depending on the narcissist, this may occur overnight. Suddenly, they’re behaving like a different person. Naturally, issues arise due to this character change and any conversation is unproductive, leaving you confused and overwhelmed.

He offers no explanation for his behavior, and if he does, he’ll flip the blame on you. After a period of behaving callously and cold, he sometimes follows up with a sob story, plucking at your heart strings.

Eventually, after a period of benefiting from your supply, he decides you’re not worth the headache- too many emotions to deal with. You were poking holes, not only through his logic, but his mask as well, so he discards you.

It’s like being tossed in the trash, displaying no emotion or care while doing so. You won’t get an explanation, and because he lacks empathy and truly doesn’t care, he smiles while doing it.

Whatever action is taken afterwards, in attempt to establish closure, is denied via silent treatment. You reaching out, calling, and sending texts, expressing your emotions, only serves at feeding his insatiable ego. It makes him feel important and special.

The alarming thing about this cycle, is how parasitic a narcissist can be. Just because he discarded you, doesn’t mean it remains that way. A narcissist will come back, repeating the three cycles for as long as you allow it.

Each cycle becomes worse. The idealization phase will have a shorter duration and his method of discard will become increasingly cruel. The process is selfish and undeniably heartbreaking.

A target could spend years trying to maintain the idealization phase, riding the highs and lows in hope that one day he’ll remain the person they fell in love with.

Hopefully, after enough abuse, a dawning realization transpires: he was never the man you fell in love with.

-Jessica Bruno LMHC

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healing Letting go love Narcissistic Abuse psychology Relationships Toxic Love Toxic Relationships

Narcissism Isn’t A Choice – It’s A Mental Disorder

When healing from narcissistic abuse, the aftermath of confusion and pain are often the focus of conversation.

Of course, it’s healthy to discuss and understand your relationship with a narcissist, but I’ve noticed an important aspect missing in that conversation.

Narcissism is a mental illness. In the DSM-5: The Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders, (also my version of google) refers to this illness as Narcissist Personality Disorder.

For an individual to meet criteria for diagnosis, five of the following nine symptoms must be present:

  • 1. Grandiose sense of self- importance
  • 2. Preoccupation with fantasies of success, brilliance, power, ideal love, and beauty.
  • 3. A belief that he or she is special or unique and can only be understood by likeminded individuals.
  • 4. A need for excessive admiration
  • 5. A sense of entitlement
  • 6. Exploitative behaviors
  • 7. A lack of empathy ***
  • 8. Envy of others or belief others are envious of them
  • 9. Arrogant or haughty attitude and behaviors

A disclaimer is paramount: behavior ranges on a spectrum. Not all individuals who display a few of these symptoms meet criteria for diagnosis. The average person will experience moments of self-importance, arrogance, entitlement, or a need for admiration, etc.

During an evaluation, presence of symptoms is not enough- duration and frequency are essential components when considering diagnosis. A person who exhibits such symptoms for a short period of time, on a less frequent basis, will not qualify for narcissistic personality disorder.

An individual must present with five out of nine symptoms, beginning in early childhood and also occurring in multiple situations. A desire for admiration, sense of entitlement, arrogance, in romantic relations alone- isn’t enough.

An individual fitting criteria for diagnosis would frequently meet five symptoms with an early onset, causing impairment in several domains of life- social, vocational, educational, and relationships.

Being aware of this is important for healing to take place. You were dealing with a mentally ill individual that operates under a skewed and irrational perception of reality. If he doesn’t acknowledge or seek intensive therapy, he’ll continue to suffer from NPD.

Nothing was your fault. Take it with a grain of salt and never take his actions personally. There’s nothing you could have done differently to change him. It’s a decision he must make. If forced upon him, it would only lead to resentment and under such circumstance, improvement is rarely effective.

All that confusion, frustration, and mental exhaustion wears you down, to the degree of questioning your own sanity. You were in love with an individual who currently lacks capability to think and behave rationally, using manipulation and exploitation as means of communication.

You’re not crazy, dramatic, or asked for too much. You were a vicim responding to a confusing and abusive situation.

This weight is not yours to carry.

It’s time to put it down.

-Jessica Bruno LMHC

Categories
Emotionally Unavailable healing Letting go love Narcissism Narcissistic Abuse Relationships Toxic Relationships

The price is your soul

How much are you willing to spend on making a relationship work?

With a narcissist, the price is non-negotiable. Just remember, if you need to obtain a loan, the lender can change your fixed interest rate, and considering the circumstance it could add up to the cost of your soul. Are you sure you can afford this?

Soul Suckers

When referring to narcissists, I’m sure you’re familiar with the term “energy vampires,” but personally I like to call them soul suckers. Yes, a narcissist sucks the energy out of people like a vampire does blood, but the cost isn’t death, it’s your soul.

A “soul” is defined as the essence and spirit of a person. For just a moment, place aside any religious beliefs you may have, and consider this definition in context of the present moment (like being alive and shi*t.) What do you like about yourself? What makes you special, talented, or unique?

That’s your soul. It gives you character. When feeling good, you’re connected and catering to those personal aspects, allowing them to flourish. Perhaps, they make you feel alive or important, like your time on planet earth is meant for great success. While at your best, life has meaning and you’re striding to either find or make that happen.

And inevitably, there are moments when you feel like crap, as if taking out the trash is an impossible task, because everywhere you go, there you are, and it’s an offensive, lingering smell. A shower doesn’t do the trick- you tried scrubbing, exfoliating, but after the tenth time, you raised the white flag. Feeling alive but vacant in a body you no longer feel is yours.

Finding your way back to normalcy feels intimidating like, “Where do I begin when I constantly feel like throwing up. I’m going to win world’s first person to reach china via projectile vomit?” Seem’s impossible, I get it.

When dating a narcissist, that’s the price you pay: your soul. All your amazing attributes took a hitchhike and got murdered by a sociopath in the woods, pretending to be a lumberjack in the state of New Mexico. It’s really not a fun time.

A narcissist will pick you up and throw you so far away from yourself, it feels like traveling to China, without GPS to go track yourself down. He’s spectacular at draining energy from your soul, and each day, it works- leaving you more disconnected and exhausted. It’s like wondering if you’ll ever feel normal again and can you even remember what that feels like?

A cloud of irritability follows you and everyone notices, wondering why you’re so snappy, unmotivated, or disinterested in doing the things you used to love? You’re not attending the birthday dinner for Uncle Jack, but not due to a busy schedule. Your energy meter ran out last week and you’re too broke to fill it.

Threats, manipulation, and deception leave a narcissist with complete control. He becomes the sole beneficiary and you? Well, practically dead. Time and effort expended on someone who lacks capability to feel human compassion, remorse, and empathy. All those times, expressing how he made you feel like trash, were wasted because he didn’t care to understand.

Gravitational Pull

It’s your soul that matched you with this mess- quite literally. A narcissist is drawn to those who contradict them. You have feelings- he hardly has any. People love to say narcissists seek out weak individuals, but that couldn’t be more inaccurate. To feel what you feel takes incredible strength– because it hurts.

Willingness to place yourself in a vulnerable situation, surrendering to the outcome is a power move. Burying uncomfortable feelings is not, it’s running from fear. *Avoids to conserve weak ego* I’ll speak for myself when I say the latter sounds a lot weaker.

Unfortunately, a narcissist sees otherwise. To him, displays of emotion and compassion are not only a sign of weakness but a place to profit. The more understanding you are, the better off. It’s a safe space from judgement and it means you’re less likely to leave and more willing to empathize. Of course, a narcissist understands to get there he must prep and prime by introducing to you….his false self.

Crafting a perfect partner, one who meets all your needs and fall hopelessly in love with. He spent time listening to you, getting to know your wants, likes, dislikes. This intel is used as material for impersonation. Once successful in winning your devotion and love, their true self will be unmasked.

A narcissist will never choose a partner he’s ashamed of. He’s sized you up and wants to show you off as arm candy. After all, his image is sacred and the woman he chooses will support that.

Both parties see potential in each other. You see someone who can fulfill your relationship needs and he sees a weak partner who’s trappable. Trouble arises when the big reveal occurs and his manipulation has been successful.

You see how he treats you. You feel it, but why do you stay if what initially drew you in, is no longer there? You don’t knock on a door when you know no ones inside.

Is it because you already feel vulnerable? He alienated you from loved ones while making you doubt everyone and everything in your life. He used your insecurities as a knife to stab you in the back. So, why?

Did he initially help you forget a disliked aspect about yourself? Was he giving you something you couldn’t provide yourself? And even though it’s not the man you fell for, are you staying in hope that he’s somewhere in there, willing to open that door?

I’ll leave you with these questions to consider. With that answer, you’ll find the key. And by the way… you always had it.

Now open your own damn door ( I say this with love)

-Jessica Bruno LMHC




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healing love psychology Relationships Toxic Relationships Uncategorized

Your Relationships Are Avoided Mirrors

You can’t stay up in the sky forever. Is that what you thought? Or were you so high you forgot to consider the inevitable come down?

That’s what happens when you date an emotionally unavailable partner. It’s not a “normal” heartbreak, leaving a conventional mess, because it was never healthy. And I get it, he was unavailable, it’s him, not you….well, not exactly.

You’re also emotionally unavailable– it just doesn’t seem that way because your unavailability plays out differently. Emotional suppression and avoidance are not the only indicating traits. If you continue to date partners who fall within that category, it’s because your unavailability is approached and exhibited contrary to theirs.

This polar opposition forms a dysfunctional sense of balance, which is why you’re attracted to avoidant men and they’re attracted to you.

If you’re falling in the same trap a hundred times, there’s a lesson you’re not learning. Whether you believe it or not, you were presented a mirror, and each time it was deflected. How do I know this? Because nothing is different. It’s the same partner, different face.

Ignoring the role you played is easy. when you’re doing the heavy lifting to make the relationship work, therefore, you’r the available partner and he’s not. It’s not that simple.

Available people don’t date unavailable people, and if they do, when their partner begins behaving like someone they don’t know- it’s a door slam in the face and goodbye.Why would they stay to watch the rest play out? That sneak peak was informative enough. This isn’t the Jerry Springer show, and besides, there’s more favorable forms of entertainment than that shit.

You staying to fix or change someone else= unavailability.

Why? You believe you can. You’re blind to the facts. You’re emotionally invested and emotions distort the truth.

The facts/ the truth = the real story.

An available person would see the story for what it is, regardless of their emotions. A person who’s experienced healthy, loving relationships has an overall positive self-image, knowing damn well what isn’t tolerable.

An unavailable person will fabricate and re-write the story until it’s favorable. “I can change him. I just need to work harder.” Meanwhile, you moving closer, pushes him further. *Kills all feelings* If he’s not comfortable with emotions, why would he be with yours? Because that became your story.

“He loves me. He said he never felt this way about someone before so I must mean something special. I just need to prove it.”

Unfortunately, in a budding romance, avoidant men make all women feel that way. I’m not saying it was a lie, but during the initial stage, it’s likely he always feels that way. It’s new, exciting, and lacks expectation, which for him = perfection.

No real commitment = no need to suppress emotions

When called out for behaving inconsistently, he then begins to withdraw and suppress.

A negative emotion = disconnection.

Avoidant men leave and return- a predictable pattern, which speaks for itself, but that truth is distorted because you re-wrote the story, remember? I know, “He said he regrets it and that he misses you.” And you believe those words, regardless if he meant it, because that consists with the story you’re telling.

If you stay with a partner who’s minimally committed, inconsiderate, and behaves selfishly, you’re not as available as you think. When he retreats away from you, it prevents a deeper relationship from forming. If you’ve been ignoring the men who can give you that, is it a coincidence or a deeper issue?

Are you chasing after an unavailable partner because you’re used to the emotional highs and lows? When it’s good, you feel good, and when it’s bad, you feel really bad, and now, you don’t just want that high, you need it to feel normal. More often than that, we accept the love we think we deserve.

If you’re familiar with unpredictable and inconsistent love, then that becomes your normal, hence why that “mirror,” is difficult to see. Chasing a person or thing that’s not good for you, is really just a way of escaping yourself.

Why are you escaping your own reflection?

Look. What do you see?

-Jessica Bruno LMHC

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Education Emotionally Unavailable healing Letting go love Narcissism Narcissistic Abuse psychology Relationships Toxic Relationships

2 Early, Crucial Warning Signs You May Be Dating A Covert Narcissist.

How do you see a warning sign, if it appears to you, an embellished gift? Ironically, early signs can be brushed over by the compelling features of a new relationship. Unless one lives cautiously, with a skeptical perspective, is it plausible to consider, a decorative gift may be an empty box of cardboard….or worse, a king snake?

It’s too good to be true”:

Are they showering you with attention, gifts, compliments, while confessing, “I don’t usually do this.” Super weird, because they seem to naturals at it. If you’re struggling to find a flaw in your partner, they could be love bombing you. I would like to declare, “putting your best face forward,” doesn’t indicate an insecure individual, but I can’t. Sure maybe on a job interview, but a relationship? I don’t think so. A secure individual understands it’s healthy to show up and present as your true self because having flaws is not only human, but unique. I always say, if they’re seemingly “perfect,” a relationship is not what they’re after, its validation and admiration.

When they can no longer put their best face forward, and their mask begins to slip off, issues arise. People pretending to be someone they’re not, aren’t satisfied with who they are, and because that demands deflection, they’ll never be satisfied with you, regardless what you offer. A partnership inevitably requires work, and if they were in it for the long haul, they wouldn’t have entered as a different person.

Best sex you’ve ever had:

I’m not delusional enough to suggest this is a problem without stipulation. If you were mind blown after the first time you had sex, and almost every single time afterwards, it might be a performance, especially, if he often makes comments, or asks questions relating to the sex or his capacity to make you feel good. For a covert narcissist to feel important, he must impress you and win you over. Look for signs of sexually compulsive behavior, that indicate a point is trying to be made, for example; initiating sex, back to back with little breaks in between. (I’m talking multiple times in a short period)

The last thing is to look for signs of ownership, specifically within the first few engagements. Look, if you’re into roleplaying and what not, by all means- fantastic, but if he treats your body as if he already know’s it, when he should be learning- not fantastic. Unless there was a beforehand discussion on what you’re into, and what you like, he shouldn’t act like he knows, at least not so damn confidently.

-Jessica Bruno, LMHC

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Education Emotionally Unavailable healing love Narcissism Narcissistic Abuse psychology Relationships Toxic Relationships

Are you dating a narcissist?

A narcissist is emotionally unavailable, but not every person who’s emotionally unavailable is a narcissist. If you’re going to begin healing and confront brutal truths, it’s necessary to know the difference.

Two Main Types of Narcissists

An overt narcissist behaves like your “average” narcissist. They loudly brag about their accomplishments, one up everyone in the room, and exude an air of arrogance. They want to be powerful and untouchable. I imagine they dream of leading a cult with millions of followers, who wake each morning, praying to a photo of their face.

For such reasons, an overt narcissist is easily identifiable. As soon as you meet one, you’ll know. Underneath their mask of confidence, lies an incredibly insecure individual, compensating their feelings of inferiority by seeking external validation.

A covert narcissist, commonly referred to as the passive aggressive narcissist, is difficult to spot, making them dangerous. They’re subtle, calculative, and move cautiously. Their charming mask isn’t noisy like the overt narcissist- it’s quiet. Initially, their behavior is thoughtful and attentive, listening rather than speaking.

It’s not uncommon, for those who date a covert narcissist to remain in the dark until they’ve been discarded (although, they always come back and repeat a three phase cycle- which I’ll elaborate on in another post.) Their manipulation is subtle, hidden behind hot and cold, aloof, and passive aggressive behavior, leaving you in a cloud of confusion, constantly doubting what’s true and what isn’t.

Regardless, whether you’re dealing with an overt or covert narcissist, the underlying motivation is the same; to seek admiration and feel a sense of importance, disregarding the cost. Their personal relationships are merely transactions to receive a source of supply they can selfishly benefit from.

If this hurts you, they genuinely don’t care. A narcissist does not experience emotions and human compassion like the average person. They lack emotional depth, so tapping into someone else’s is extremely difficult, and to some, impossible. Their lack of empathy ranges on a spectrum, like all behavior, and it’s likely they suffer from a personality or mental disorder (but not always, in which case, behaviors would indicate mild to moderate on the spectrum.)

Initially, allowing you to feel wanted and cared for is easy, because they’re prepping you for supply. Once obtained, you fall down the rabbit hole and become trapped. The rest of the process consists to maintain your placement down in the trenches, exerting minimal effort, but enough to keep you guessing, wanting more.

Having established an upper hand in the relationship, they’re free to return as they please, stealing supply by saying what they know you want to hear, via false promises, and retreating back as if it never happened, leaving you dumbfounded and upset.

Showing them you’re upset feeds their ego more. If you disclose how their emotionless behavior makes you feel and express your undying love, in hope it might change their ways, your tears of frustration is music to their ears. Whatever you’re saying is not digested, because all they hear is, “Wow, look what I can do. I’m so special, loved, and important.”

The Emotionally Unavailable

The emotionally unavailable are often called narcissists because their emotional disconnect can be easily mistaken for a lack of empathy. When an individual, such as the emotionally unavailable, learns to suppress their emotions, the process of doing so, becomes habitual, but doesn’t indicate a destitute of empathy. (In another post, I’ll discuss why one learns emotional suppression and the function is fulfills)

Their feelings and actions shift, without rhyme or reason, leaving you perplexed, without solid ground to stand on. Dissecting every word and behavior becomes a full time job without benefits or compensation. You’re running in circles, expecting to arrive at a destination. Feeling constantly uncertain is the one thing you can be certain of. Just like dating a narcissist, this is no peaceful place to reside. 

Like you and I, the emotionally unavailable have feelings. They’re human too. You know this, although sometimes it’s hard not to peer up at the sky and look for unusual spaceships. They desire to be seen and loved but suppressing emotions is habitual and creates unconscious internal conflict that’s projected through inconsistent behavior. 

Just like the covert narcissist, their initial presentation was entirely different in the early phase of the relationship, alluring their partner into a trap. The main difference between emotionally unavailable and the narcissist is intention.

A narcissist intends and profits from your misery, not giving two shits about it. An emotionally unavailable person profits, making it difficult to leave even if you’re miserable, but doesn’t necessarily want to make you feel that way, but if it happens, they’re not exactly remorseful or concerned due to their ability to disconnect from those feelings, but deep down, they do exist.

Their intentions are not malicious, although it may feel that way. Disclosing how their behavior makes you feel, will prompt them to withdraw and retreat to a place of comfort. Since they’re threatened by their own emotions, dealing with yours, feels like the ultimate ambush. *Aborts mission, avoids, and hides.* In turn, you witness a cold, dismissive partner, and naturally will take it personally, but it really is a defense against vulnerability and fear of dependence. Avoiding that is their perception of surviving.

As they dismiss your feelings, you question whether or not you’re even entitled to have them, and begin wondering if there’s any truth behind their words, since their actions paint a different story. This subtle manipulation may not be intentional, but just like a narcissist, they rarely ever leave and stay gone.

Walking back into your life after a period of silence, and repeating that same cycle is incredibly selfish, but you’re dealing with someone who lacks emotional intelligence. You can say how you feel and they can try to imagine how you feel, but if they’ve never walked in those shoes, what perspective do they relate with? Especially since this level of emotional disconnect is embedded from an early age. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but allows you to take responsibility for your own.

I’ll continue to discuss these lovely gems, diving into the “whys and hows” their behavior originated, and why that attracts you to them, as well as why they’re attracted to you. A somewhat obvious hint: polar opposition. It’s a dysfunctional dance of a toxic balance. If you care to understand these complex movements, stay posted.

-Jessica Bruno, LMHC

Categories
Education Emotionally Unavailable healing Letting go love Narcissism Narcissistic Abuse psychology relationships Relationships Toxic Relationships

You can’t reach someone who isn’t there.

Hi and welcome, I’m Jessica, your candid, probably too candid, cyber blogger, and …..someone else’s therapist.

I’m happy to see that you’ve fallen and crashed into my blog instead of colliding, dead smack into another emotionally disconnected, avoidant partner. If you ever decide to return, I’ll make sure it’s a meaningful experience, filled with promising revelations and insights. You have my word. I’m also not your ex, so comparatively speaking, this is a promising start.

Before I discuss the premise of my blog, in other words, why you’re reading this and what you’re (hopefully) here for, I’ll start with a brief background introduction. I obtained a bachelors degree in Sociology from Coastal Carolina University as well as a masters degree in Mental Health Counseling, Applied Psychology at New York University.

I have experience treating adults with mental health disorders such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, panic, bipolar disorders, and substance use disorders, in addition to individuals struggling to cope with life stressors, relationships, family, work, death etc.

If you had asked me, face to face, what I do for a living, *assuming history repeats itself* it’s likely you’d ask one of three questions, “Are you gonna psychoanalyze me?” or “Cool, can you help me figure out why I’m so fucked up?” But nothing takes the cake, quite like this one, “Are you gonna…read my mind?” No, I don’t have superpowers but I one hundred percent wish I did.

Although this transaction is virtual, I can’t psychoanalyze you, personally at least, but in a way, I already have. If you’ve been trying to reach an emotionally unavailable partner, again and again, then we’re on the same page, and therefore, I say with confidence I’ve been psychoanalyzing those (also you) who present with this issue. I wanted to understand why certain people are attracted to and consistently find themselves in a relationship with such partners.

Several answers to this question are out there, floating throughout cyber space, but I wasn’t satisfied by the half-assed articles I read. For a complex topic, I was also shocked to see a small selection of available self- help books on the internet, so I began writing one.

I referenced my studies of psychology, experience working as a therapist, and my own personal experience, to consider all angles and formed my own answers. Yes, my fascination, as well as dedication to intellectually rationalize this two party dynamic is quite personal. I share tidbits of my experience in my book, and I’ll do the same, here, in future posts.

Why you should give this attention:

If you’re tired of dating the same person with a different face, feeling disregarded and rejected by inconsiderate, detached, and selfish partners, I resonate with those frustrations. If you’ve ever asked, “How did I get here?” or “Why am I here again?” then time and space has been kind to lead you here.

My blog is dedicated to answer those questions, encourage healing, and help you cultivate intellectual weapons to fight off the possibility of colliding into a relationship like that ever again.

If you’re willing to be challenged and face brutal truths, we have some work ahead of us, so, I must ask you for one thing and one thing only.

When presented with this mirror, I need you to look.

Till the next reflection.

-Jessica Bruno, LMHC