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Education Emotionally Unavailable love psychology Relationships Toxic Love Uncategorized

The Reason You Date Emotionally Unavailable Men.

Do you continue dating unavailable men? If I asked, “What are the warning signs of an emotionally unavailable partner,” you’d recite them swifter than a recovering alcoholic recounting the big book.

After dating several self-absorbed men, you’d assume spotting one a mile away would be easy, as if their clothes are draped in red hazard lights, sporting a sign that reads, “Caution, you are entering a hazard zone. Turn around or die.”

You were certain this guy was different, and yet, he turned out to be the same. What gives?

Well, the common denominator in all your relationships is you. The process unfolds in a subtle manner, so it’s easy to conclude you’re the available one and he’s not. You’re also emotionally unavailable, and the reason this truth is deceptive, is because it began in infancy.

John Bowlby’s, Theory of Attachment is widely recognized in the field of psychology, and offers insight into how emotional bonds formed in early childhood affects ability to secure relationships later on in life. In order for a child to develop normal social and emotional development, a healthy attachment must be formed with at least one caregiver.

It’s the first relationship a child experiences and it sets the tone for future bonds as it teaches what it means to be loved and nurtured. Receiving adequate nurture and affection throughout early childhood develops an adult with secure attachment– securing fulfilling and healthy relationships with likeminded people.  

Out of the four, the avoidant and anxious-insecure are the two adult attachment styles that compel to one another, forming a toxic, dysfunctional relationship. Avoidant dismissive attachment develops when a primary caregiver fails to comfort their infant, forming an inclination to suppress their emotions.

The avoidant-dismissive adult has learned, in early development, to bury emotions due to the formed belief that depending on others isn’t sufficient in meeting their needs, hence their value for independence and desire to remain detached- avoiding vulnerability.

Anxious-insecure adults receive inconsistent nurture from caregivers; fluctuating between responsiveness and affection, while other times, unresponsive, and emotionally unavailable. Having needs met is a gamble. This unpredictable behavior is confusing, causing a child to cling as an act of desperation- like hey! I’m here you asshole, pay attention to me!

 When successful, the child feels rewarded and validated, encouraging the clingy behavior, and when it’s not, feelings of insecurity and distrust arise. Anxious adults internalize beliefs that love is a confusing and inconsistent ordeal, influencing future relationships to reenact that relational dynamic.

Opposites do attract. An avoidant adult is familiar to the anxious adult since they offer unpredictable displays of affection, resembling their first attachment. As he pulls away, you seek validation by moving closer, and if successful, needs are met. This dynamic allows space for both partners to dance around their opposing vulnerabilities.

 He retreats with little consequence, since you’re always waiting for his return. With control to set the limitations, this persistent cycle mainly benefits him. Within this dynamic, a committed relationship will not form, allowing both partner to remain unavailable, acting in a way that’s familiar.

If you haven’t considered the relationships formed during early development, I would recommend doing so. A significant portion of human behavior is learned from childhood. We tend to behave, abiding by what we believe is “normal.” As a child, belief systems aren’t challenged, and unfortunately, are so engrained, that as adults, we hardly recognize their influence.

It’s important to stay vigilant, discover your blind spots, and challenge them!

-Jessica Bruno LMHC

Categories
healing Letting go Mental Health Mindfulness psychology Toxic Relationships

Seeking Meaning As A Tortured Soul

Don’t let the term, “tortured soul” fool you with it’s negative connotation.

A tortured soul is someone persistently seeking meaning. The saying, “everything happens for a reason,” just isn’t good enough. What is that reason? Who is dictating such things? Is there even a spiritual or religious force behind it or are things just the way they are for no good reason?

I have sat with my thoughts countless amount of nights contemplating every possible explanation for the misfortunes I encountered to the degree of mental exhaustion. Sounds pretty unhealthy, right? And it is.

There’s no denying that beating a dead horse will get you absolutely nowhere except stain your white tee with splattered blood and guts.  Why is acknowledging this truth never enough to halt the obsessive rumination? 

Tortured souls have the tendency to dwell on misfortunes and wallow in negative emotions with intent to achieve a heightened state of awareness. We perceive this awareness may result in growth and self-development, so the outcome becomes satisfying. Only then, do we believe we gained something positive, hence concluding it meant something, and we’re better for it.

Not only do tortured souls seek to uncover hidden meaning, but we also yearn to contribute to the good of society. We tend to express the self creatively. Successful creative expression often stems from painful experiences. Dwelling on these emotions becomes an outlet of self-expression. Suffering sucks, and it is not only inevitable, but can be the source of creating a beautiful masterpiece.

The reason I use the word tortured, is because a search for meaning can engulf and swallow you whole, leading way to a destructive path. Wallowing in self-pity occurs when you’re unable to find peace in a situation. Since creative expression is common during these moments, one may become too comfortable in isolation.

After a while, it becomes a normalized state, and the ability to creatively channel pain is lost to saturation. So, how do you greet it with peace and close the door? If you feel stuck, it’s time to take action. Sometimes, the insight we seek is driven by our own insecurity or inability to let go. Instead of clinging, empathize with yourself. It’s okay to feel what you feel. No explanation needed. You could beat yourself up for it or you can accept it.

We perpetuate negative feelings by choosing to focus on it. When we form a habit to empathize with ourselves and fully comprehend that our current state does not have to be our permanent state, the situation becomes less frightening.

Don’t give your pain a home. It’s a visitor and it’s not meant to stay.

-Jessica Bruno LMHC

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healing Letting go Mindfulness Psychology Relationships Toxic Relationships Uncategorized

Your Love Won’t Save Him

Letting go of someone you love deeply is a very hard fucking thing to do. Grieving over someone who’s alive feels strange. He’s not dead, but it’s easier to behave as if he is, because thats the best route to take when moving forward.

It’s even harder to let go when the decision to do so feels forced due to circumstance. I loved someone in a way I never thought was possible and not only was he emotionally unavailable, but dabbled with cocaine a little too frequently. (that’s a nice understatement )

For over a year I tried to help, which of course, pushed him away. He showed interest in changing but actions remained the same and yet I persisted.

In retrospect, attempting to change someone who’s not willing is selfish. Of course, I cared and wanted to see him be his best self, but more importantly, I was so blinded by love, I never considered that I was sick of feeling heartbroken.

If he improved then maybe I’d stop hurting or he’d be “normal,” and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Sadly, I ended the relationship. We didn’t date very long but that didn’t stop me from seeing him in hope he’d eventually realize what he lost, deciding it’s time to change.

It never happened and I can’t say I believed it ever would. Despite having a constant taste of reality in my mouth, I didn’t give up, and he broke my heart several times- each time progressively worse.

Letting go of someone who’s incapable of authentic love really sucks when you’re committed to fight for it, but in reality- it’s not going to happen. I’m not saying it never will, but the decision isn’t yours to make.

You’re not giving up on love because you’re tired of setting yourself on fire and burning for someone while he looks the other way.

I’m still in the midst of healing and I won’t lie and say it’s been easy or devoid of relapses, but I’d like to share a few tips that really help the process.

1. Acceptance & Honesty:

Holding on to someone who makes you feel lost, anxious, and upset is wasted energy. You’re doing yourself a disservice when you could be directing that energy inward to eventually crawl out of the darkness. The first step must be acceptance. It is what it is. You cannot change someone who doesn’t want to be changed. It’s not fair to you or him. Accept him for who he currently is. How does he fit into your life? Chances are he doesn’t. Be honest about the situation. Acknowledge the damage it ensues within your life and take action. Letting go is an act of self love and respect.

2. Commitment:

Its not enough to merely accept the situation and decide to let go. You must commit to that acceptance. From here on out, you dedicate yourself to the journey, making healthy actions that guide you forward rather than keep you stuck.

3. Ride the waves:

You also must understand there will be moments of emotional turbulence. We often backtrack any progress made when reacting to heightened emotions, instead of riding that wave. It comes and goes. You won’t feel that way forever. Once you successfully ride a few waves, they lose their momentum- occurring less frequently and won’t pull you all the way under.

Remain compassionate and self comfort during dark moments. You’re the only one who can truly make YOU feel better. It won’t be him.

You have all the tools necessary to let go and move forward, you just have to use them.

-Jessica Bruno LMHC

Categories
healing love Narcissism Narcissistic Abuse Relationships Toxic Love Toxic Relationships

The Dizzying Cycle of Narcissism

A narcissist is a complex, manipulative individual, so naturally being in a relationship with one is mentally exhausting.

It feels as though you’ve been running in circles, accomplishing nothing, except an occasional bathroom trip to vomit from incessant, dizzying bullshit. It could be sunny outside, but a cloud of confusion rests above your head, and depending what phase you’re at in his dizzying cycle, it may be a thunderstorm.

A narcissist uses a three phase tactic, referred to as “the dizzying cycle,” to keep their partner engaged. Using the term “partner,” in such a context feels morally irresponsible, so instead I’ll use the word “target.”

Throughout the relationship, a narcissists target will experience three phases: idealization, devaluation, and discard.

The lovely idealization phase occurs at the beginning of the relationship. A narcissist identifies a new target they’re keen on procuring. When they look at you they see profit, and of course, they want it.

To be trappable, a narcissist understands he must put his best face forward, making sure interactions are flawless. To do this, he wears a mask, careful it doesn’t slip and reveal his true colors.

In the idealization phase, he love bombs the shit out of you, saying what he thinks you want to hear, throwing compliments, giving gifts, and showering you with attention, intent on making you feel special. Before revealing his true identity, it’s imperative you fall for him, otherwise, he has no legs to stand on.

When successful, he initiates the devaluation phase. Depending on the narcissist, this may occur overnight. Suddenly, they’re behaving like a different person. Naturally, issues arise due to this character change and any conversation is unproductive, leaving you confused and overwhelmed.

He offers no explanation for his behavior, and if he does, he’ll flip the blame on you. After a period of behaving callously and cold, he sometimes follows up with a sob story, plucking at your heart strings.

Eventually, after a period of benefiting from your supply, he decides you’re not worth the headache- too many emotions to deal with. You were poking holes, not only through his logic, but his mask as well, so he discards you.

It’s like being tossed in the trash, displaying no emotion or care while doing so. You won’t get an explanation, and because he lacks empathy and truly doesn’t care, he smiles while doing it.

Whatever action is taken afterwards, in attempt to establish closure, is denied via silent treatment. You reaching out, calling, and sending texts, expressing your emotions, only serves at feeding his insatiable ego. It makes him feel important and special.

The alarming thing about this cycle, is how parasitic a narcissist can be. Just because he discarded you, doesn’t mean it remains that way. A narcissist will come back, repeating the three cycles for as long as you allow it.

Each cycle becomes worse. The idealization phase will have a shorter duration and his method of discard will become increasingly cruel. The process is selfish and undeniably heartbreaking.

A target could spend years trying to maintain the idealization phase, riding the highs and lows in hope that one day he’ll remain the person they fell in love with.

Hopefully, after enough abuse, a dawning realization transpires: he was never the man you fell in love with.

-Jessica Bruno LMHC

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Education love people psychology Relationships Society

You’re dating a human, not a supreme being….right?

Oftentimes, partners and relationships are first on an individuals list of values, as if their some supreme god. Although meaningful and important, a top value should never be a person, place, or a thing.

Values are a critical component in our lives, motivating and dictating all behavior. Values influence ethical behavior, as well as personal passions and beliefs. They create boundaries– informing others how we’d like to be treated and what we won’t accept.

What is most important to you, says a lot about you. For example, if compassion is a high value of yours, its likely you’re an understanding, giving, and healthy person. Perhaps, this has influenced your career path or ability to create meaningful relationships.

However, if you value something that’s not measurable, such as a person or a thing, you’re treading deep waters. When a value is externally based– it’s subject to change, meaning you lost free will of the outcome. You can’t control people or situations…only how you respond to them, but if control over that value is lost, whatever you lost it to, now holds the power.

People can hurt and betray you. If they’re at the top of your list of values, then what do you do? Values give our life meaning and your number one just shattered into a million pieces.

One betrays the self when choosing unhealthy values, creating a destructive mess. If respect is high on the list, and someone disrespects you, its likely you’d cut them out of your life (assuming it’s appropriate given the situation.)

However, if you value respect just as much as a partner, what happens if they profoundly disrespect you? Let’s say they committed an act of infidelity. Since both values are just as important, what do you do?

You might accept the mistreatment and later feel ashamed, because you trashed a significant value. What did it ever do to you?! Conflicting values become problems in several aspects of your life.

A person, place, or thing isn’t maintainable, as opposed to dignity, security, or respect. It’s also important that such values aren’t measured by people, places, or things.

If you allow your dignity or respect to be betrayed by an individual, those are wavering values. I understand people will challenge your values. Naturally, you may be disrespected or hurt by the actions of another, but this doesn’t mean those values should be called into question.

If people are valued above everything, they’re given power to dictate your life. It should be yours and yours only.

Own your values.

What are your top five values?

How do you measure those values?

-Jessica Bruno LMHC

Categories
Education healing Mindfulness psychology

The Stories We Tell

Humans are the only documented species known to tell stories.

We’re the most intellectually advanced species, using language and abstract thinking to hypothesize scenarios and experiences.

When an intellectual species invades earth, I’m sure this will change, and I hope I’m alive to see it because I should be dating an alien. It’s more fitting than these human men.

Stories shape our reality. They influence and enforce our identity, the way we view the world, as well as others. When relating to someone, else’s story, you’ll use your own to help connect.

All moments and situations in life are perceived through personal biases and subjectivity. Your environment, past relationships, and experiences have influenced your perspectives, thus the way you tell stories. For example, has someone’s actions ever appalled you?

For whatever reason, that person behaved in an unexpected way that caused you to feel personal about it. As you witnessed their behavior, you relied on your own beliefs and past experiences to judge the situation and develop an opinion. Needless to say, others may have a different perception of the same situation.

The Art of Making It All Make Sense

Did you know every story must make sense to you? If it doesn’t, you’ll search for meaning that does. Trouble arises when emotions distort our perspectives, leading to irrational storytelling. As a child, if my mom didn’t come home from work at the usual time, I would become sick with worry.

I’d imagine something terrible happened to her, and the later she was, the more drastic my hypothetical scenarios became. As she walked through the door, I would throw a hissy fit. She’d be like, “Jessica I was at the store and left my phone in the car.” Suddenly, I felt stupid for the stories I told.

While experiencing intense emotions, our stories can become ridiculous, motivating inappropriate behavior. It becomes even more problematic when we’re unaware of the stories we’ve been telling and how they build upon each other.

In relationships, stories become all kinds of fucked up. If your experiences were bad, it likely altered your beliefs and perspectives, entrancing their way to present relationships. For example, let’s say your ex cheated with a stripper.

One night, your new partner is hanging with the boys and hasn’t responded to your text message. Three hours pass and your imagination runs wild-now you’re considering he’s at the strip club, having sex with a stripper.

Melodramatic examples are the best when driving a point home. Honestly, I’ve yet to understand why strippers have become a common reference of mine.

Defining Your Story

Stories are often exaggerated and falsify the truth. Personal insecurities or perceived shortcomings are often overstated and magnified– skewing how we see ourselves. We begin crafting this identity throughout early development.

Imagine the stories we told at a young age when we didn’t know any better? Bits and pieces of our identity get stuck with us, influencing our adult life outside awareness.

For example, if you were bullied at a young age, you may have faced low self esteem and insecurity, even after the bullying stopped. Both positive and negative moments bring forward thoughts and feelings. Beliefs arise and become engrained within us.

More often than not, we don’t even know what those beliefs are or what they’re saying on a daily basis. We have a shit ton of daily thoughts, coupled with an internal dialogue that never shuts up.

It’s difficult to listen when it’s goes on and on, like background music. You become desensitized to its noise. But you shouldn’t tune it out- especially if you’re unsatisfied with an aspect of your life or if looking to improve and self develop.

The amazing thing about being a storyteller is having the ability to change your story. After all, you’re the author. But first, you must listen to the story and decide what needs re-writing.

This is where mindfulness comes in. It’s a successful technique for emotional regulation, as well as increasing the mind/body experience.

To understand what’s going on upstairs in that mind of yours, you must remain fully present in the moment, attentive to arising thoughts and emotions while remaining accepting, without judgement.

This is how you bring attention to awareness and heal. Mindfulness takes dedication because initially- its challenging. But, if you set aside at least fifteen minutes each day, you’ll begin listening and hearing in ways you weren’t able to do before.

What stories are you telling?

What stories would you like to tell?

-Jessica Bruno LMHC

Categories
healing Letting go love Narcissistic Abuse psychology Relationships Toxic Love Toxic Relationships

Narcissism Isn’t A Choice – It’s A Mental Disorder

When healing from narcissistic abuse, the aftermath of confusion and pain are often the focus of conversation.

Of course, it’s healthy to discuss and understand your relationship with a narcissist, but I’ve noticed an important aspect missing in that conversation.

Narcissism is a mental illness. In the DSM-5: The Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders, (also my version of google) refers to this illness as Narcissist Personality Disorder.

For an individual to meet criteria for diagnosis, five of the following nine symptoms must be present:

  • 1. Grandiose sense of self- importance
  • 2. Preoccupation with fantasies of success, brilliance, power, ideal love, and beauty.
  • 3. A belief that he or she is special or unique and can only be understood by likeminded individuals.
  • 4. A need for excessive admiration
  • 5. A sense of entitlement
  • 6. Exploitative behaviors
  • 7. A lack of empathy ***
  • 8. Envy of others or belief others are envious of them
  • 9. Arrogant or haughty attitude and behaviors

A disclaimer is paramount: behavior ranges on a spectrum. Not all individuals who display a few of these symptoms meet criteria for diagnosis. The average person will experience moments of self-importance, arrogance, entitlement, or a need for admiration, etc.

During an evaluation, presence of symptoms is not enough- duration and frequency are essential components when considering diagnosis. A person who exhibits such symptoms for a short period of time, on a less frequent basis, will not qualify for narcissistic personality disorder.

An individual must present with five out of nine symptoms, beginning in early childhood and also occurring in multiple situations. A desire for admiration, sense of entitlement, arrogance, in romantic relations alone- isn’t enough.

An individual fitting criteria for diagnosis would frequently meet five symptoms with an early onset, causing impairment in several domains of life- social, vocational, educational, and relationships.

Being aware of this is important for healing to take place. You were dealing with a mentally ill individual that operates under a skewed and irrational perception of reality. If he doesn’t acknowledge or seek intensive therapy, he’ll continue to suffer from NPD.

Nothing was your fault. Take it with a grain of salt and never take his actions personally. There’s nothing you could have done differently to change him. It’s a decision he must make. If forced upon him, it would only lead to resentment and under such circumstance, improvement is rarely effective.

All that confusion, frustration, and mental exhaustion wears you down, to the degree of questioning your own sanity. You were in love with an individual who currently lacks capability to think and behave rationally, using manipulation and exploitation as means of communication.

You’re not crazy, dramatic, or asked for too much. You were a vicim responding to a confusing and abusive situation.

This weight is not yours to carry.

It’s time to put it down.

-Jessica Bruno LMHC

Categories
Education healing love psychology Relationships

They Always Come Back


You’re finally feeling like your old self again. All those days stuck in fear, wondering if you’ll ever move on are now thoughts of the past…and then bam! Out of nowhere, he pops up, creeping his way in with a plan to hijack your mind. And it works.

Why does this happen now, when you’re practically touching the finish line? It’s like he turns into a canine dog with advanced receptors in his nose, getting a whiff of you moving on and then tracking you down.

It’s selfish love. If this isn’t the first time, it’s likely you’ve fallen in this trap before. How did that work out? Probably not well.

An emotionally unavailable man, sensing their ex moving on, is hit with unresolved conflict. Their immaculate ability to repress emotions has reached a dead end street.

All those notes, brainstormed and carefully written into your phone, later sending as text messages, (I know the deal) fed his ego. He’s now feeling uneasy….or even worse- emotional.

He doesn’t want you to move on. What if you find someone better than him? What if you never speak to him again? If he’s so concerned, why didn’t he consider that before? Because he’s emotionally unavailable and loves conditionally.

True love has no conditions. Using affection as a tool for control isn’t love. There are strings attached- expectations.

Unconditional love doesn’t seek rewards. Love isn’t some business transaction. What do I get in return? Like a puppy, scratching at your door, tail in-between his legs; he’s looking for compensation. No matter what he says or does, it’s driven by an urge to feel he still matters.

To give him that is to satisfy his fragile ego. It wasn’t undying love that brought him back to you. Sounds brutal but it’s the truth. An emotionally unavailable man would have to confront his issues, which requires acknowledgment and uncomfortable work.

Unless he says, “Hey I’ve been in therapy for the past few months and realized I wasn’t ready for a relationship but I’ve made progress and would love a second chance at trying.” If you laughed, like I did, it’s probably because it’s hard to imagine this ever happening.

Don’t backtrack on your progress for someone who’s not progressing. Practice self-care, meet your own needs, and direct energy toward your passions.

It may sound cliche, but life really is too short. Don’t waste your time on shallow individuals, mindlessly chasing a bone because in a few days, they’ll trade it in for something new.

Only a boy offers a woman breadcrumbs. Love yourself enough to know you deserve the whole fucking meal.

-Jessica Bruno LMHC

Categories
Emotionally Unavailable healing Letting go love Narcissism Narcissistic Abuse Relationships Toxic Relationships

The price is your soul

How much are you willing to spend on making a relationship work?

With a narcissist, the price is non-negotiable. Just remember, if you need to obtain a loan, the lender can change your fixed interest rate, and considering the circumstance it could add up to the cost of your soul. Are you sure you can afford this?

Soul Suckers

When referring to narcissists, I’m sure you’re familiar with the term “energy vampires,” but personally I like to call them soul suckers. Yes, a narcissist sucks the energy out of people like a vampire does blood, but the cost isn’t death, it’s your soul.

A “soul” is defined as the essence and spirit of a person. For just a moment, place aside any religious beliefs you may have, and consider this definition in context of the present moment (like being alive and shi*t.) What do you like about yourself? What makes you special, talented, or unique?

That’s your soul. It gives you character. When feeling good, you’re connected and catering to those personal aspects, allowing them to flourish. Perhaps, they make you feel alive or important, like your time on planet earth is meant for great success. While at your best, life has meaning and you’re striding to either find or make that happen.

And inevitably, there are moments when you feel like crap, as if taking out the trash is an impossible task, because everywhere you go, there you are, and it’s an offensive, lingering smell. A shower doesn’t do the trick- you tried scrubbing, exfoliating, but after the tenth time, you raised the white flag. Feeling alive but vacant in a body you no longer feel is yours.

Finding your way back to normalcy feels intimidating like, “Where do I begin when I constantly feel like throwing up. I’m going to win world’s first person to reach china via projectile vomit?” Seem’s impossible, I get it.

When dating a narcissist, that’s the price you pay: your soul. All your amazing attributes took a hitchhike and got murdered by a sociopath in the woods, pretending to be a lumberjack in the state of New Mexico. It’s really not a fun time.

A narcissist will pick you up and throw you so far away from yourself, it feels like traveling to China, without GPS to go track yourself down. He’s spectacular at draining energy from your soul, and each day, it works- leaving you more disconnected and exhausted. It’s like wondering if you’ll ever feel normal again and can you even remember what that feels like?

A cloud of irritability follows you and everyone notices, wondering why you’re so snappy, unmotivated, or disinterested in doing the things you used to love? You’re not attending the birthday dinner for Uncle Jack, but not due to a busy schedule. Your energy meter ran out last week and you’re too broke to fill it.

Threats, manipulation, and deception leave a narcissist with complete control. He becomes the sole beneficiary and you? Well, practically dead. Time and effort expended on someone who lacks capability to feel human compassion, remorse, and empathy. All those times, expressing how he made you feel like trash, were wasted because he didn’t care to understand.

Gravitational Pull

It’s your soul that matched you with this mess- quite literally. A narcissist is drawn to those who contradict them. You have feelings- he hardly has any. People love to say narcissists seek out weak individuals, but that couldn’t be more inaccurate. To feel what you feel takes incredible strength– because it hurts.

Willingness to place yourself in a vulnerable situation, surrendering to the outcome is a power move. Burying uncomfortable feelings is not, it’s running from fear. *Avoids to conserve weak ego* I’ll speak for myself when I say the latter sounds a lot weaker.

Unfortunately, a narcissist sees otherwise. To him, displays of emotion and compassion are not only a sign of weakness but a place to profit. The more understanding you are, the better off. It’s a safe space from judgement and it means you’re less likely to leave and more willing to empathize. Of course, a narcissist understands to get there he must prep and prime by introducing to you….his false self.

Crafting a perfect partner, one who meets all your needs and fall hopelessly in love with. He spent time listening to you, getting to know your wants, likes, dislikes. This intel is used as material for impersonation. Once successful in winning your devotion and love, their true self will be unmasked.

A narcissist will never choose a partner he’s ashamed of. He’s sized you up and wants to show you off as arm candy. After all, his image is sacred and the woman he chooses will support that.

Both parties see potential in each other. You see someone who can fulfill your relationship needs and he sees a weak partner who’s trappable. Trouble arises when the big reveal occurs and his manipulation has been successful.

You see how he treats you. You feel it, but why do you stay if what initially drew you in, is no longer there? You don’t knock on a door when you know no ones inside.

Is it because you already feel vulnerable? He alienated you from loved ones while making you doubt everyone and everything in your life. He used your insecurities as a knife to stab you in the back. So, why?

Did he initially help you forget a disliked aspect about yourself? Was he giving you something you couldn’t provide yourself? And even though it’s not the man you fell for, are you staying in hope that he’s somewhere in there, willing to open that door?

I’ll leave you with these questions to consider. With that answer, you’ll find the key. And by the way… you always had it.

Now open your own damn door ( I say this with love)

-Jessica Bruno LMHC




Categories
healing love psychology Relationships Toxic Relationships Uncategorized

Your Relationships Are Avoided Mirrors

You can’t stay up in the sky forever. Is that what you thought? Or were you so high you forgot to consider the inevitable come down?

That’s what happens when you date an emotionally unavailable partner. It’s not a “normal” heartbreak, leaving a conventional mess, because it was never healthy. And I get it, he was unavailable, it’s him, not you….well, not exactly.

You’re also emotionally unavailable– it just doesn’t seem that way because your unavailability plays out differently. Emotional suppression and avoidance are not the only indicating traits. If you continue to date partners who fall within that category, it’s because your unavailability is approached and exhibited contrary to theirs.

This polar opposition forms a dysfunctional sense of balance, which is why you’re attracted to avoidant men and they’re attracted to you.

If you’re falling in the same trap a hundred times, there’s a lesson you’re not learning. Whether you believe it or not, you were presented a mirror, and each time it was deflected. How do I know this? Because nothing is different. It’s the same partner, different face.

Ignoring the role you played is easy. when you’re doing the heavy lifting to make the relationship work, therefore, you’r the available partner and he’s not. It’s not that simple.

Available people don’t date unavailable people, and if they do, when their partner begins behaving like someone they don’t know- it’s a door slam in the face and goodbye.Why would they stay to watch the rest play out? That sneak peak was informative enough. This isn’t the Jerry Springer show, and besides, there’s more favorable forms of entertainment than that shit.

You staying to fix or change someone else= unavailability.

Why? You believe you can. You’re blind to the facts. You’re emotionally invested and emotions distort the truth.

The facts/ the truth = the real story.

An available person would see the story for what it is, regardless of their emotions. A person who’s experienced healthy, loving relationships has an overall positive self-image, knowing damn well what isn’t tolerable.

An unavailable person will fabricate and re-write the story until it’s favorable. “I can change him. I just need to work harder.” Meanwhile, you moving closer, pushes him further. *Kills all feelings* If he’s not comfortable with emotions, why would he be with yours? Because that became your story.

“He loves me. He said he never felt this way about someone before so I must mean something special. I just need to prove it.”

Unfortunately, in a budding romance, avoidant men make all women feel that way. I’m not saying it was a lie, but during the initial stage, it’s likely he always feels that way. It’s new, exciting, and lacks expectation, which for him = perfection.

No real commitment = no need to suppress emotions

When called out for behaving inconsistently, he then begins to withdraw and suppress.

A negative emotion = disconnection.

Avoidant men leave and return- a predictable pattern, which speaks for itself, but that truth is distorted because you re-wrote the story, remember? I know, “He said he regrets it and that he misses you.” And you believe those words, regardless if he meant it, because that consists with the story you’re telling.

If you stay with a partner who’s minimally committed, inconsiderate, and behaves selfishly, you’re not as available as you think. When he retreats away from you, it prevents a deeper relationship from forming. If you’ve been ignoring the men who can give you that, is it a coincidence or a deeper issue?

Are you chasing after an unavailable partner because you’re used to the emotional highs and lows? When it’s good, you feel good, and when it’s bad, you feel really bad, and now, you don’t just want that high, you need it to feel normal. More often than that, we accept the love we think we deserve.

If you’re familiar with unpredictable and inconsistent love, then that becomes your normal, hence why that “mirror,” is difficult to see. Chasing a person or thing that’s not good for you, is really just a way of escaping yourself.

Why are you escaping your own reflection?

Look. What do you see?

-Jessica Bruno LMHC